but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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