i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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