Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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