my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
