my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
