she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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