my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
