My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
