Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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