I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
