Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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