No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
