You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize