i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
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