You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
