im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
