when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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