Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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