my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
