Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
cat food counts as protein by the way
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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