Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
