took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
