I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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