I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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