She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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