The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
