someone threw a dead crab at me
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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