why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
