I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
