I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
