Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
