Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
