Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
