My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
