Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
