I think i peed on brittanys purse
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
