I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
