the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
this boner is exhausting
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
