i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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