How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize