I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
