Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
