U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
So here I am, sexting at work.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
