I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
