yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
