I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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