dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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