we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
