Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
