hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
