am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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