I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize