break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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