it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
