does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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