he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
