she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
