just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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