Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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