I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
