dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
