I can tuck mytits in my pants
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
