That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
