I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
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