i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
