one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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