new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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