someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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