he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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