I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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